10 Conversations That Strengthen Your Relationship Before and After Baby

I had dreamed of becoming a mother my whole life. So when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I dove headfirst into preparing my mind and body for the transition. What I didn’t prepare for was how much this transition would affect my relationship with my husband.

We had read baby books, watched birth videos, agreed on how we wanted to raise our children and we thought we were ready. We were not.

Here are 10 things I wish we had talked through in depth, not just before our first baby, but again with each new addition to our family. I hope these questions help you avoid some of the stress and strain we experienced and build a more connected, supportive partnership.

1. How will we divide household responsibilities?

Statistically, the majority of household management and the mental load of running a family still falls on the default parent, often the birthing parent or the one taking parental leave, regardless of gender. That was certainly the case in our household, and it created a lot of frustration, resentment, and emotional distance. We nearly broke under the pressure.

I wish we had sat down together early on and made a detailed list of everything it takes to run a home and care for a child, from meal planning and laundry to booking appointments and remembering birthdays. Then we could have divided those responsibilities as fairly as possible, taking into account the intense physical and emotional demands of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum recovery. Most importantly, we could have agreed to revisit and adjust that list regularly to make sure it still felt fair and sustainable for both of us.

Ask each other:

• What responsibilities are currently on each of our plates?

• Who tends to notice or plan for things like meals, clothes, school forms, or doctor visits?

• How can we divide the mental and physical load more fairly — not just the visible chores?

• How often will we check in and adjust our system to make sure it still works?

  
  

2. How will we cope with sleep deprivation?

Some babies sleep well. Many don’t. But all babies need their parents 24/7, especially in those early months. In our case, my husband continued to sleep through the night while I was up constantly, and over time, that imbalance took a real toll on my health and on our relationship. Looking back, I wish we had talked more honestly about our individual sleep needs and created a flexible plan that considered everyone’s wellbeing, including the baby’s.

Expecting a newborn to meet adult sleep expectations just isn’t realistic, and trying to power through without support doesn’t serve anyone. A shared approach, whether it’s taking turns at night, handing off the baby in the morning, or calling in extra help, can make a huge difference.

Ask each other:

• How much sleep do we each need to function well?

• What might a fair night-time or early-morning routine look like for us?

• How will we notice if one of us is burning out, and what will we do about it?

• Who can we ask for help if we both need a break?

  
  

3. How will we manage changing priorities?

For me, everything shifted the moment I saw the positive test. For my husband, it took longer. That gap in urgency and emotional readiness created tension. I wish we had been more honest about how our dreams, identity, and goals were changing and made space for that evolution without judgment.

Ask each other:

• What feels most important to each of us right now?

• How do we want to spend our time, energy, and money in this season of life?

• What personal dreams or needs are we afraid of losing in parenthood?

  
  

4. How will we keep communicating — even when it’s hard?

Sleep deprivation, hormones, stress. They’re all communication killers. We struggled a lot here, and it's definitely still a work in progress. Looking back, I wish we had learned more about our communication styles, love languages, and attachment patterns before we became parents.

Ask each other:

• What helps you feel seen and understood when you’re overwhelmed?

• How do you prefer to give and receive love?

• What are signs that one of us is shutting down or withdrawing?

  
  

5. What if one or both of us struggles with mental health?

Perinatal mood disorders don’t just affect mothers. Fathers and partners can suffer, too. I wish we had prepared for this possibility, learned the warning signs, and agreed on a plan for what we’d do if one of us needed support.

Ask each other:

• What are the early signs we might not be coping well?

• How do we feel about asking for help — and from whom?

• Who are some professionals, support lines, or organisations we can call on?

  
  

6. Do we have a support network we trust? What if we don’t?

Support is essential, but you can’t ask for help if you don’t know what you need or who to turn to. Identifying your community before things get tough makes a huge difference.

Ask each other:

• Who are our trusted people, and what roles might they play?

• How comfortable are we asking for help?

• Should we consider hiring a doula or postpartum professional?

  
  

7. What if one of us doesn’t go back to paid work — temporarily or at all?

I didn’t plan to take extended time away from work, but once the baby arrived, I changed my mind. That change impacted our finances, our roles, and our identities. Though all of our decisions were mutually agreed upon, it wasn’t always smooth.

Ask each other:

• How do we feel about one of us stepping away from paid work?

• How will that affect our financial goals and shared responsibilities?

• What would it take for us both to feel secure and respected, regardless of income?

  
  

8. Will we value all forms of contribution equally?

Growing up, I had been conditioned to believe that in a healthy relationship, all contributions, financial, emotional, practical all carried equal weight. I assumed that caring for a child, managing the household, and holding the emotional landscape of the family would be recognised as just as valuable as earning an income. But once our roles shifted after the baby arrived, I quickly realised that wasn’t how things played out in practice.

We fell hard into traditional gender roles and I, at least, wasn’t okay with it. My partner didn’t see an issue, and for a while, I couldn’t even articulate why it felt so heavy and unfair. There were so many unspoken expectations: things I had taken on without ever agreeing to, simply because they “needed to be done.” I thought the emotional labor I was doing would be seen and appreciated. It wasn’t. And over time, that invisibility bred resentment.

Ask each other:

• What types of work — paid and unpaid — do we each contribute to our family?

• Do we both feel seen and valued for what we’re doing?

• Are there things one of us is carrying by default that need to be acknowledged or rebalanced?

• How can we check in regularly to make sure we’re on the same team, not silently drifting into roles we didn’t choose?

  
  

9. How will we handle differences in parenting approaches?

We’ve been fortunate to agree on most parenting decisions, but many couples find themselves on different pages and that can lead to real tension. Topics like where and how a baby sleeps, how long to breastfeed if at all, or how and when to introduce solids often bring up deeply held beliefs, shaped by culture, upbringing, and personal values. It can be incredibly helpful to talk about your hopes and expectations before you’re in the thick of those early decisions.

You don’t have to agree on everything from the start, but being curious about each other’s perspectives and staying open to learning together can go a long way in building trust and unity.

Ask each other:

• What kind of parents do we want to be?

• How did our families approach things like sleep, feeding, discipline, or education, and which of those approaches do we want to keep or change?

• What are our thoughts on things like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, and introducing solids?

• How will we respond if friends or family pressure us to parent in ways that don’t feel right for us?

  
  

10. How will we navigate cultural differences and extended family expectations?

As a Norwegian-Canadian family with foster children from other nationalities, our home is a rich mix of languages, traditions, and ways of seeing the world. That diversity is something we deeply value, but it also brings complexity. Even small assumptions about things like names, holidays, bedtimes, or who gets to visit and when can become points of stress if they’re not talked about openly.

Questions like Where will we live? What language(s) will we speak at home? How will we divide time between extended families? become more than logistical, they’re deeply emotional, and they shape how our children experience their own identity and sense of belonging. Working through this takes ongoing conversation, mutual respect, and a willingness to revisit decisions as your family grows.

Ask each other:

• What traditions, values, or languages from our backgrounds do we want to pass on to our children?

• Where do we see ourselves living — short-term and long-term — and how will that affect our connection to both sides of the family?

• How will we balance time, travel, and emotional energy between different sets of grandparents and relatives?

• What boundaries or expectations do we need to set with extended family — and how will we communicate those respectfully?

• How can we support each other in learning about and honoring the backgrounds of our foster children?

Final thoughts: Start the conversation — and keep it going

You don’t need to have all the answers right now. We certainly didn’t. But what truly matters is showing up for the conversation — with honesty, curiosity, and care.

Taking the time to reflect on these questions together isn’t just preparation — it’s connection. It’s how you build a relationship that can weather the intense, beautiful, and often overwhelming experience of bringing a new baby into the world.

For non-birthing partners especially: your willingness to take these scenarios seriously, ask thoughtful questions, and actively co-create a healthy family dynamic can offer your partner enormous reassurance and confidence. It shows that you're truly in this together — not just in name, but in practice.

To help you get started, I’ve created a free printable worksheet with all of the reflection questions from this post. Print it out, make a cozy meal, and work through it together — at your own pace. Use it as a tool for deeper connection, clarity, and mutual support.

Your relationship deserves just as much care and attention as your birth plan or baby registry. It’s the foundation your growing family will rest on — and investing in it now will serve you for years to come. If you want help working through this together with me and creating a flexible postpartum plan, reach out, I am happy to help!